@HomeWithPeanut

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

- @HomeWithPeanut

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@Douchekevin

How could you be pregnant!?!?!?!?!

I bought he GOOD dollar store condoms!!!

@ChrisHallbeck

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

@ClichedOut

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

@ThatRascalPuff

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

@noog

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

@supershayne

I’m so polite that if a magician pulled out the wrong card I’d be like “Haha yeah man that’s my card good job.”

@GianDoh

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

@alllegs3

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

@Maddy_Obrien27

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

@KattsDogma

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!