@HomeWithPeanut

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

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@illTortuga

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

@baronvonbike

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

@iamspacegirl

Spent a pretty long time watching the cat next door lounge in the grass before I realized he was a skateboard.

@thehubrispanda

According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.

@evanrhorne

As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be:

“Let me see your phone”

@daemonic3

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

@whatbabytalk

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

@atanenhaus

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!