I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
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Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.