Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
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SON: can i yell bomb?
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Arguing with religious people is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a potato.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Scrooge: You there boy. What day is it?
Me: Junetober Eleventeenth
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.