I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

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Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.


SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.


Arguing with religious people is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a potato.


The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.


Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.


Scrooge: You there boy. What day is it?

Me: Junetober Eleventeenth


Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof


Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*


“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.