I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
You Might Also Like
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
me when the borders lift
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
good for her
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.