Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
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Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado