I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
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Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.