I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
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my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening