I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
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My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Webb. James Webb.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”