I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
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Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Love it! 👍😂
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.