I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
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My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Ah yes. The three genders
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Some people were born into their job.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.