I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

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PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now


freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door


am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise


[Spelling Bee]

Your word is inception

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

[Spelling Bee]

Your word is inception


I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”


I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.


WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen