I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
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I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”