I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
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Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
uncle dave has been through hell
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what