I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
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Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
😂😂😂
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts