@jellybnbonanza

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

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@sixfootcandy

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

@Go2Slp

Mufasa didn’t die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper.

– The Lyin’ King

@TheHyyyype

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

@NOTVIKING

[taking long drag from cigarette] if the blackbox can’t be destroyed then why don’t they just make the whole plane out of the blackbox material

flight attendant: you are absolutely not allowed to smoke in here

@rutesperanza

If you use yahoo search engine, A really lonely nerd in his yahoo office frantically googles your request and then posts the results

@MandiAtRandom

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

@Lisa_Laughs_

If you’re wearing Superman undies, but she’s a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.

@naazihah

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

@Cpin42

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.