I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
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SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
#StillHurts
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
wish me luck lads
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath