Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
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Mufasa didn’t die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper.
– The Lyin’ King
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
[taking long drag from cigarette] if the blackbox can’t be destroyed then why don’t they just make the whole plane out of the blackbox material
flight attendant: you are absolutely not allowed to smoke in here
If you use yahoo search engine, A really lonely nerd in his yahoo office frantically googles your request and then posts the results
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
If you’re wearing Superman undies, but she’s a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.
mom i AM the friend that jumps off the bridge
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.