I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
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“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”