I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
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It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?