I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
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My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.