As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
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[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Ugh but profoundly
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on