I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
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Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE