I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
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Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes