“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
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A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo