βIβm sorryβ:
0:00πβββββββ0:06
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: β 5%β…butβ:
0:00πββββββββ70:28:54
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: βββββ ββ 100%
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Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed itβs not a designer purse if I donβt know how much it costs
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
If you donβt sleep now, youβll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, youβll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
wife: [kissing me] letβs roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend youβre my daddy
me: ok
wife Iβve been a bad girl
me: whyβd u marry that idiot
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that heβs actually a doctor
I donβt know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Oh youβre a yogi name one picnic basket youβve stolen
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they canβt even get pockets in their pants.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if youβre fast as hell.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
still the best tweet of the year by far
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
This is Damn delicious!πππ
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.