βIβm sorryβ:
0:00πβββββββ0:06
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: β 5%ββ¦butβ:
0:00πββββββββ70:28:54
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: βββββ ββ 100%
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Iβm pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: Iβm kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guysβ¦she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WEβRE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Itβs all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and heβs driving a hearse.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now itβs just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
*receiving flowers
I donβt know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
In alcoholβs defense, iβve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK thatβs clear enough.
How many minutes after someoneβs fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think youβre in France, relax my dear wanderer, youβre not high! Itβs not you, itβs just QuΓ©bec
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess thereβs no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): Whatβs your favorite dinosaur mineβs triceratops.
If someone shrunk their kids today theyβd be cancelled, straight up
oh thatβs just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
My exβs were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Sorry Iβm late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Mom: why arenβt you and your βfriendβ close anymore?
Me:
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70βs.
β home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
β making ice in trays
β doing housework
β going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird womenβs jewelry come from
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I want βDiet starts tomorrowβ written on my tombstone.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didnβt get a job because he couldnβt tie a tie.
She meant goals