“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
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The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.