I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
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tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.