I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
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Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.