@Smooheed: I'm spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@BringDaNoyz: who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
@UncleDuke1969: 911: What’s your emergency? ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA. 911: When did you see it last? ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET. 911: Where was it? ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.” 911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma. ME: SO?!? 911: Well, they’re not really necessary. ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
@radtoria: Fastening a pendant around my son's neck before dying for him, "Keep this always. The audience won't recognize you as an adult without it"
@joejwest: ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair YOU: Ok ME: [drinks from toilet like dog] YOU: You've made your point I'll wash up some glasses