@Smooheed

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

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@bonehugsnirony

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

@TampaBayMomma

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

@davepell

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

@tastefactory

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

@baronvonbike

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

@Home_Halfway

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

@KyleSmells

does anyone know what happens when your mom gets to 3? like has anyone ever been stupid enough to ignore her after counting to 2 1/2 and survived to tell the tale??

@OneyeBogey

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

@MavenofHonor

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

@JPLFR80

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!