I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

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Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are


Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.


95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.


We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.


I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.


People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical


does anyone know what happens when your mom gets to 3? like has anyone ever been stupid enough to ignore her after counting to 2 1/2 and survived to tell the tale??


Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.


[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]


Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!