Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
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“We heard reports that some guy saw a snowflake one time somewhere so we better cancel 5,000 flights.”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Jamiroquai because Jamirosad.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me