@Smooheed

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

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@Steelers1972

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

@DaHess1

“We heard reports that some guy saw a snowflake one time somewhere so we better cancel 5,000 flights.”

– Airlines

@joeljeffrey

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

@KatieBurnett

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

@dreamthievin

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

@simoncholland

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

@Love_bug1016

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

@fro_vo

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same