I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
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[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Inside you there are two wolves
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic