I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
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Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
who wants to go expliring
oh my gosh!!
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.