@kimtopher22

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

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@CatherineLMK

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

@WilliamRodgers

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

@ChrisScarlette

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

@TheHyyyype

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

@_eric_alexander

I’m gonna start carrying breath mints around in an engagement ring box just to briefly make women really uncomfortable during conversation.

@FuzzyDuck17

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

@ComedicBust

[at a wake]

WIDOW: [crying uncontrollably]

ME: [putting my arm around her] I saw you double dip that chip earlier.

@J_Luce3

Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.

@edgeoftheword

And then alcohol said “Put that on facebook, it’s hilarious.”
But alcohol was wrong.
So very wrong.