I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

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I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.


Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….


[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*


*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?


[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana


I’m gonna start carrying breath mints around in an engagement ring box just to briefly make women really uncomfortable during conversation.


Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’


[at a wake]

WIDOW: [crying uncontrollably]

ME: [putting my arm around her] I saw you double dip that chip earlier.


Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.


And then alcohol said “Put that on facebook, it’s hilarious.”
But alcohol was wrong.
So very wrong.