I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
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Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
it’s finally my moment to shine
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.