I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

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Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday


“I see your bet and raise you all my hair since 6th grade. Oh and this pen.”
“Sir that’s not-
“You got a problem with pens?”


me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: you are going to hate me but I forgot your name


“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.




I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?


WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”


As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.


My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.