What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
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No iPhone. I will not text bahaha. I am not a hilarious sheep.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
ME:They go to a different school
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I remember this one time I ran out of gas.
It was pretty scary. Almost dark. I was all alone.
I mean it was a lawnmower, but still.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I told a deer joke once. It was very fawny.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*