I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

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What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?


No iPhone. I will not text bahaha. I am not a hilarious sheep.


How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…


ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school


*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down


Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?


Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?


I remember this one time I ran out of gas.

It was pretty scary. Almost dark. I was all alone.

I mean it was a lawnmower, but still.


Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop


*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*