@mela_shea

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

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@SuperRandomish

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

@senorwinces

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

@stevevsninjas

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

@fishbowel

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

@JT_IV_

Mario and Luigi fight to the death, in “The Plunger Games”.

@alexlumaga

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

@Browtweaten

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy