@mela_shea

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

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@iamspacegirl

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

@ibid78

“I see your bet and raise you all my hair since 6th grade. Oh and this pen.”
“Sir that’s not-
“You got a problem with pens?”

@UniqueDude2

me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: you are going to hate me but I forgot your name

@KentWGraham

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

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@KimmyMonte

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

@UncleDuke1969

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

@karanbirtinna

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

@whereami18

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.