@Sarcasticsapien

I’m starting a sarcasm club. It would mean the world to me if you joined.

I’m starting a sarcasm club. It would mean the world to me if you joined.

- @Sarcasticsapien

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@SJSchauer

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

@13spencer

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

@AaronFullerton

“What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I’m saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!” -anyone dating Taylor Swift

@NewDadNotes

Me: Alexa, watch our kids.

Alexa: ok.

Wife: wait, really?

Me: shhh, lets leave before she changes her mind!

@Gupton68

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

@thenashleysays

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

@Divergentmama

“In this household, there are parents trying to get their kids out of the house in the morning. These are their stories.”

Law and Order: Missing Shoe

@osoplain

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

@daemonic3

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

@AndyRichter

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend