to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
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F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Eat…
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now