I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
You Might Also Like
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP