I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
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The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake