I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
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Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.