I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
You Might Also Like
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Life hack
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday