I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
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if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.