I’m starting to think my daughter buys one thing that doesn’t fit every time we go to the mall just so we have a reason to go back to the mall

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[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster


explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone


Me: An emotionally fulfilling job that also pays enough to live on
Genie: Listen buddy I’m not god


9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.


I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.


Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.


Did you know that “muffins” spelled backwards is actually what you do when you take them out of the oven?


*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.