@sweetmomissa

I’m starting to think my daughter buys one thing that doesn’t fit every time we go to the mall just so we have a reason to go back to the mall

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@AubriePesky

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

@aardvarsk

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

@InternetHippo

Me: An emotionally fulfilling job that also pays enough to live on
Genie: Listen buddy I’m not god

@XplodingUnicorn

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

@causticbob

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

@Staggfilms

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

@GlowersForAlger

Did you know that “muffins” spelled backwards is actually what you do when you take them out of the oven?

@tastefactory

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.