I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
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Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with