I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
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ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that