@SirJeremyLondon

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

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@XnotafunnyladyX

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

@shamans_heal

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

@warmyellowlight

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

@ValeeGrrl

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

@sarcasticmommy4

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

@helltotheyaya

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?