I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

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Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target


My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.


In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic


Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.


I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.


Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”


Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?