I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
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I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
this is the greatest thing ever
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*