I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
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me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Ugh
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.