I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
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“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it