I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
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Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
i think both sides are to blame here
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*