Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I’m starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.
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Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Them: Would you be interested in coaching soccer?
Me: No, that sounds outside.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Age 10: I’m going to be a rockstar
Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday
Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?