@Vodkantots

I’m starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.

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@ComedicBust

[3:00am]

Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?

Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.

Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?

@AnOrangeSNES

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

@ElleOhHell

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

@Playing_Dad

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

@superdadatron

I’m gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family.

Bacon Bad

@murrman5

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

@ndiquote

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

@KateWhineHall

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.