Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?
Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.
Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?
I’m starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.
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I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I’m gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I’m vegan until my next paycheck.