Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
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A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Something Saturday.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?