I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
You Might Also Like
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”