72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
You Might Also Like
For them dirty farmers.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I hate when my wife says her friend at work “got flowers again today” and I have to kill that chick’s husband.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I’m single by choice…of others.