@Tbone7219

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

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@copymama

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

@MrAlexisPereira

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

@JohnLyonTweets

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

@Jandalize

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

@kcmoore51

I hate when my wife says her friend at work “got flowers again today” and I have to kill that chick’s husband.

@chadopitz

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun