@tastefactory

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

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@leakypod

[packing for camping trip]

me: need portable lights

jack: a flashlight?

me: nah, the bigger one with a handle

jack: oh, lantern?

@SolelyB

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

@MooseAllain

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

@JohnLyonTweets

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

@JasonLastname

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

@FailShark

Waiter: What can I get you?

Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.

@zachreinert03

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no