If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
You Might Also Like
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
accidentally added a “z” to the end of the word “think” in a text and suddenly my jeans are sagging below my ass and i have 3 chains on