*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
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[packing for camping trip]
me: need portable lights
jack: a flashlight?
me: nah, the bigger one with a handle
jack: oh, lantern?
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no