@tastefactory

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

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@mjkspeaks

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

@MrWordsWorth

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

@iwearaonesie

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

@Brianhopecomedy

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

@Xalqee

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

@Nikkeya08

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

@3sunzzz

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

@jonnysun

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

@haleysfalling

accidentally added a “z” to the end of the word “think” in a text and suddenly my jeans are sagging below my ass and i have 3 chains on