I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
You Might Also Like
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Meow
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”