@mjkspeaks
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
@tastefactory
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
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@mjkspeaks
@MrWordsWorth
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
@iwearaonesie
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
@Brianhopecomedy
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
@Xalqee
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
@Nikkeya08
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
@3sunzzz
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
@PeterClayton6
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
@jonnysun
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
@haleysfalling
accidentally added a “z” to the end of the word “think” in a text and suddenly my jeans are sagging below my ass and i have 3 chains on