I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
You Might Also Like
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
*jingles half the way*
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Real House Wines.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I am never leaving this website
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
How I like cutting carbs
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free