I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
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What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Y’all ready for this