@MomOnFire

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

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@UnfilteredMama

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

@drankturpentine

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

@TheCatWhisprer

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

@pinupteacher

ME: For my final wish, I’d like to lose some weight.

GENIE: Only way is to eat less and exercise more.

ME: This is bullshit.

@CAshmanActor

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

@Jake_Vig

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

@brianbowman73

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

@EtobicokeErnie

My neighbour is outside, trying to see inside his gas tank using a lighter. Apparently, gasoline isn’t flammable anymore.

@BuiltToTopple

“Baby I was wrapping presents for a charity” is both the best and the very very very worst excuse for coming home late covered in glitter.