I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
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Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Become a minion. Get that bread.